A Fine Line

Last week I read a post by an angry birth mother, who after having placed her child a number of years ago, feels betrayed by the process that helped her bring her adoption plan to fruition. In lashing out, she asked "if adoption is so great, why didn't you place your children for adoption?" I suppose that I could have dismissed her question as rhetorical, but then I realized that it is a really good question and it prompted some introspection about why some mothers have to face this difficult issue and others do not. The simple answer to her question is that my pregnancies where planned and I was as prepared as I could be to parent my baby. I was employed, had my own place, was fortunate to have great medical coverage, and my husband and I agreed that it was time for a baby in our lives. Not much different from thousands and thousands of women who make that very same decision pretty much every day all over the world. But life is not always that simple.
So, what about those mothers that discover they are pregnant and must then face one of the most difficult decisions they will ever have to make in their lives -- having to consider an adoption plan for the child they carry. Of one thing I am certain, we are more similar than we are different in many ways: we are all capable of becoming pregnant; once pregnant, we choose to give life to our babies, and most of all, we love them enough to want the very best for them. This goal is shared by all of us, but the paths we take to accomplish it are as varied as the stars in the sky.
We at A Chosen Child have often thought about how life's circumstances have placed some mothers in the difficult postion of having to contemplate such a decision as placing a child for adoption, and yet spared me and others from such a sacrifice. What event in each of our lives determined the twists and turns we were to take to bring us to the crossroads of parenting or adoption? Regardless of the path that is ultimately taken, we all still share our love for our children; we desire the best possible life for them; we compile and keep photographs; we are acutely aware of each milestone - first tooth, first step, first day of school, first date; each birthday; we wonder if they are going to be the caring, compassionate and productive adults we want them to become, and whether their dreams are coming true. "There but for the grace of God go I." To that birth mother that thinks we don't care about or understand the depth of her sacrifice, she couldn't be more mistaken. It is a fine line that separates you and I - and I never forget that a single change, one different turn, one decision - could have very well placed me among the women that must pick up the phone and make that call that will start the adoption process. I am thankful that my life's circumstances allowed me the privilege to parent my children - and I don't take that blessing lightly or ever forget the fine line between us.
Blessings and blessings.
M

The Heart of the Matter

Working primarily with birth mothers at A Chosen Child is life-changing, exilarating, demanding, exhausting, bittersweet, empowering, sometimes thankless, but mostly gratifying and always a blessing.

I think back over the past 22 years, the first ten years in New York and the last twelve in Florida, and wonder if any of my birth mothers realize how much they have been loved for that brief period of time that they are entrusted to our care, and how vested we are in hoping that their futures are brighter and better. Every single one of these women in crisis has left a mark on our soul, collectively and individually, one way or another. Every birth mother, regardless of her station in life, whether she is a teen-ager or adult, a professional woman, an inmate, a drug-addict, a student, an alcoholic, a mother of other children, a victim of rape, or a victim of her own lapse in judgment -- deeply etches into our hearts and impacts our lives in very special ways. I look at the wall in my office at A Chosen Child, with its collection of snapshots portraying the best and worst moment of their lives all rolled into one, when they placed their babies for adoption, and did so with strength and dignity. Some of these precious ladies smile and some do not, but in all, their eyes betray what their words will not - that they will never be the same. This is the moment that we arrive at the heart of the matter. That moment when their hearts are breaking and they still stand tall and stand strong, when they make themselves accountable for their decisions and their choices, and put their baby's best interest before their own. This is the pinnacle of selflessness, a moment of true parenthood - when they make a tremendous sacrifice for the benefit of their child, showing true courage and dignity during the most adverse of situations.

For these women, as time passes, the adoption will be what they make of it. For some, it may be a point of no return. For many, it will be the source of renewed motivation and focus; they will find solace, validation and comfort in every letter and every picture they receive; and will place their hearts in every letter and every gift they send; they will cultivate their best qualities in preparation for the future - with hope for reunification - pride in what they have achieved, in the person they become so they can face their birth child with confidence someday. I commend each and every one of you. You are loved.

Blessings and blessings

M